Jan 202012

My first clinical day was stress free & fun. The second clinical… madness! The plan sounded easy enough: do some vitals, give a bedbath & get your lady to breakfast. Ms.Mercutia (my unforgettable first PT) however, had a different plan.

I walk in & find dear Ms.Mercutia wrapped up like a burrito, sleeping soundly in bed. Being the kind, gentle soul I am, I softly whisper her name & get nothing in response. I look to my partner (who’s all but catatonic from fear of this wrinkled soul). I realize I’ll be getting no help from her & ramp up my efforts to wake the soon to be dead. On what must have been my fifty seventh failed attempt, I take a step back & check to see if she’s still breathing.

When eventually I get her to wake up, she’s grumpy & it’s all I can do to work a deal: She’s gonna give me an arm to do vitals on, & in return I’ll let her doze until I’m done. I check her pulse &… “AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!” my moderately chilly stethoscope touched her arm & now I have a fleet of nurses looking to see what horrible thing I’ve done.

“I have to pee.”
…um, ok? no problem? I get the bedpan, put gloves on &…
“Where’s my teeth?”
…um, I thought you had to pee?
“I have to pee? I don’t have to pee, silly. I need my TEETH”
…um, ok? I put the bedpan away &
“I have to Pee, REAL BAD.”
…Ok, you really need to pee this time?
“I need to pee? Really? But I just pee’d! You’re confusing me.” says she with a smile.

As I’m getting Ms.Mercutia cleaned up from her “accident”, N.Greymane walks in & reminds me to “get her all clean & dry down there”. And what happens next will haunt me for the rest of my life…

The drawers go down &…. wrinkly blonde girl bits burn themselves into my braincase.

Thankfully M.Mercutia doesn’t freak out as I hose her off and dab her down. Instead she starts telling me stories about WWII. She tells these stories as if Hitler’s right outside the window riding the top of a bloody panzer tank. And as cool as that was, it doesn’t make up for the nightmare I now see every time I close my eyes or blink. Freddy Krueger with a scraggly blonde beard, it’s kinda something like that.